How meeting basic needs shapes marital adjustment

How meeting basic needs shapes marital adjustment

That meeting our basic needs affects marital adjustment is taken for granted today, but recognising our needs and learning how to meet them requires knowing ourselves and our spouse. This article looks briefly at the subject.

Introduction

Humanity’s basic, fundamental needs have been discussed in theories across many scientific fields, especially psychology; many theories of personality devote a special section to the subject (Schultz and Schultz, Persian translation by Seyed Mohammadi). One of the most recent approaches to take it up seriously is reality therapy, or choice theory, put forward by William Glasser, which has been very well received in research and clinical practice, especially over the last two decades (Corey, Persian translation by Seyed Mohammadi).

Glasser believed that just as survival needs are genetically programmed in all animals, in human beings — the most complete of animals — four higher and more complex needs are genetically programmed as well (Glasser, Persian translation by Rahmanian). These four needs, usually known as love and belonging, power (achievement/competence), freedom (independence) and fun (enjoyment), are regarded as the basic psychological needs, while survival is the one basic physiological need in human beings. These five needs are shared by all humanity, regardless of age, ethnicity, race or gender. Even so, how much each matters, and in what order, differs from one person to another. In other words, everyone has these five basic needs, but in each person one or more of them stands out as more important than the rest. According to choice theory, it is very important for people to become aware of their own unique pattern of basic needs, because this awareness can play an important part in making healthy, constructive choices in personal and social life (Glasser).

Whether or not the five needs are met has a direct, tangible effect on our feelings and physical states. When they are met well, we experience pleasant feelings and physical states; but if, for any reason, we fail to meet them, we experience unpleasant ones. Our feelings and physical states are in fact clues to whether our basic needs are being met well at the moment. For example, if we feel physically unwell, our survival need may be threatened by an internal infection; or if we feel pleasure and happiness, our need for love and belonging may be well met. In general, this can hold for each of the needs (Glasser, Persian translation by Rahmanian). Each of the five basic needs is described below (Glasser, Persian translation by Rahmanian; Wubbolding et al.).

1) The need for survival

The need for survival is shared by all living beings, and broadly refers to a creature’s drive to stay alive and have a safe place in the world. Much of the behaviour linked to survival, especially in animals, is instinctive. But one essential difference in humans is that, besides instinctive and involuntary behaviour, we can meet our survival needs in highly intelligent and complex ways. And unlike animals, humans usually meet their survival needs with interpersonal and social demands in mind.

2) Power

The need for power refers to the wish to control people or things. It also includes the wish for mastery, achievement and a sense of competence. In general, the need for power can be a good source and driver of progress in different areas of personal and social life. On the other hand, when it appears as an intense wish to exert influence and dominate others, the unhealthy, destructive side of this need has come to the surface. This dysfunctional side of the need for power, which runs against many aspects of healthy, constructive social life and relationships, may show itself in all kinds of hostility and interpersonal conflict.

3) The need for freedom

The need for freedom refers to the human inclination to decide, choose, be independent and act without interference from others or outside constraints. In other words, it is the need for a person’s private life, will and independence not to be attacked by the power and external control of others.

4) The need for fun

The need for fun refers to the sense of liveliness and enjoyment that pleasurable, well-loved experiences and activities bring. Learning about what interests us may be the most important way of meeting this need. The idea of learning matters so much here that Glasser saw fun as the genetic reward for learning.

5) Love and belonging

For today’s social human being, the need for love and belonging is often the most important need. Indeed, meeting the other four needs well is in a sense possible only in the shadow of this one, because all basic needs can be met only in a social context and in relationships with others (Gardner). In other words, a person’s psychological nourishment comes through this need. That is why Glasser believed that someone who has long been unable to experience loving relationships full of affection and belonging will without doubt develop psychological symptoms. In Glasser’s view, chronic psychological problems, whatever form they take — depression, anxiety, obsession or any other — are in fact signs of relationship problems. When the need for relationship, love and belonging is damaged over a long time, psychological illness is unavoidable. Failure to meet this psychological need can come from two main sources: a) the person is caught up in very destructive relationships that have damaged it, or b) the person has no positive, supportive relationships at all. For Glasser, a satisfying, happy marriage requires the need for love and belonging to be well met for both partners.